Song of Solomon

O.k., I’m still not doing well with my productivity level here.  I’ve been on an 8 chapter book for two full months now.  And in the end it only took me two nights to read it.  I just took a loooong time between each of those two nights.  This time my excuse is a) an overseas vacation and b) work got really busy.  And oh right, I’m a horrible procrastinator.  Uggh.

Anyway, let’s discuss Song of Solomon.  This book is … weird.  Seriously, it has to be the strangest book I’ve come across in the Bible thus far, by a long shot.  First off, like Psalms and Proverbs, it’s not told in story form.  Rather it’s more of a collection of poems/songs … or maybe even just one long poem/song, for all I can tell.  Second, this book has nearly zero intention of trying to teach any sort of life lessons about God or about anything really, save for maybe one or two lines here and there.  And lastly, all the poems/chapters in this book are on the same topic: love, and sex.

As a matter of fact, it reads like the Bible version of one of those old pulpy romance novels Fabio-Book-Cover-2that have Fabio on the cover.  I’m tempted to compare it to 50 Shades of Grey to use a more current reference, but it’s not quite that kinky.  When it comes to cheese factor though, it’s exactly on the level of both of these things.  It’s like …. Twilight meets the Bible equivalent of one of those soft porn shows they play late at night on Skinemax, only with way more metaphors.

As Wikipedia describes this book, it gives “‘the voices of two lovers, praising each other, yearning for each other, proffering invitations to enjoy.’  The two are in harmony, each desiring the other and rejoicing in sexual intimacy; the women of Jerusalem form a chorus to the lovers, functioning as an audience whose participation in the lovers’ erotic encounters facilitates the participation of the reader.”  (I think the first quote-within-the-quote there actually comes from The Art of Biblical Poetry by Robert Alter.)  This sums up the book perfectly.  I don’t think the woman in the story is ever identified by name, but the man is referred to as Solomon several times.

Separating this book out into “Good Stuff” and “Bad Stuff” wouldn’t work very well in this case, because for the most part, this is book full of just … weird stuff.  Sometimes creepy stuff.  So rather than to split it out into Good and Bad, I’m simply going to highlight some particularly interesting, funny, and downright strange passages:

2:3 As the apple tree among the trees of the wood, so is my beloved among the sons. I sat down under his shadow with great delight, and his fruit was sweet to my taste.

His “fruit” was sweet to your taste, huh??  I’ll bet.

4:1 How beautiful you are, my darling! Oh, how beautiful! Your eyes behind your veil are doves. Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from the hills of Gilead.  4:2 Your teeth songofsolare like a flock of sheep just shorn, coming up from the washing. Each has its twin; not one of them is alone.  4:3 Your lips are like a scarlet ribbon; your mouth is lovely. Your temples behind your veil are like the halves of a pomegranate.  4:4 Your neck is like the tower of David, built with courses of stone; on it hang a thousand shields, all of them shields of warriors.  4: 5 Your breasts are like two fawns, like twin fawns of a gazelle that browse among the lilies.

How romantic!!  I’ve always wanted hair like a flock of goats.

4:16 Awake, north wind, and come, south wind! Blow on my garden, that its fragrance may spread everywhere. Let my beloved come into his garden and taste its choice fruits.

Blow on my garden??  Kinky.

5:4 My beloved put in his hand by the hole of the door, and my bowels were moved for him.

HAHAH!!  I mean sure… I guess … if you’re into that sort of thing.

7:1 How beautiful are thy feet with shoes, O prince’s daughter! the joints of thy thighs are like jewels, the work of the hands of a cunning workman.  7:2 Thy navel is like a round goblet, which wanteth not liquor: thy belly is like an heap of wheat set about with lilies.  7:3 Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins.

Who doesn’t want a belly button shaped like a goblet?  If you’ve got an outtie then you can forget it, sister.

8:1 O that thou wert as my brother, that sucked the breasts of my mother! when I should find thee without, I would kiss thee; yea, I should not be despised.  8:2 I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother’s house, who would instruct me: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate.

This is starting to get really weird now.  When “drink the juice of my pomegranate” is the most tame thing in in the passage, then you know things are getting creepy.

Friends: 8:8 We have a little sister, and her breasts are not yet grown. What shall we do song-of-solomon-king-davidfor our sister on the day she is spoken for?  8:9 If she is a wall, we will build towers of silver on her. If she is a door, we will enclose her with panels of cedar.

She: 8:10 I am a wall, and my breasts are like towers. Thus I have become in his eyes like one bringing contentment.

Great news, my breasts grew in and they are like towers, baby.  Come and get it.

Hahah that is pretty much how the entire book goes.  All 8 chapters.  That’s literally all it is.  Love this, sex that, laying around in the “spice-laden mountains” all day with your love buddy.  I honestly can’t even think of anything else to say about it, and that’s quite a statement considering how long my posts normally are.  This is most definitely going to be the shortest post so far.  Thank goodness.  Here’s my grade:


I almost feel like I should rate it a little higher simply for the lack of bad stuff and violence, but it also really holds no notable value I can see either, unless you’re just looking to get your jollies from reading soft Bible porn.  Which would just be … a very creepy thing to do.  Oh and it did provide me with some laughs, at least.  So, 3 points for some laughs and for no one getting violently murdered.

Next book up is Isaiah and it is 66 chapters.  SIXTY. SIX.  AAGGHH.  I can’t even tell you how much I’m dreading it.


One thought on “Song of Solomon

  1. “Great news, my breasts grew in and they are like towers, baby. Come and get it.”

    You’re lucky you grew “biblically”. 😉 I wish the same was true for me a la Ezekiel 23:19-20, “Yet she increased her prostitution, remembering the days of her youth when she engaged in prostitution in the land of Egypt. She lusted after their genitals – as large as those of donkeys, and their seminal emission was as strong as that of stallions.”

    Unfortunately, she wouldn’t be lusting after mine which remain as small as those of badgers. But, maybe that’s because I’m an atheist. 😉

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